Status #11104

Am I a Starseed? An Indigo Child? Psychologically broken? [...]

Edmonton, Alberta
via The Full Circle Project
Am I a Starseed? An Indigo Child? Psychologically broken? Old soul? Lost soul? I have no idea. It's pick one and roll 'em. I DO know that up until recently, I not only matched but embodied almost all of a handy "are you alien?" checklist. I've never visited a doctor (at least not since I was old enough to make a fuss in waiting rooms) so I can't say whether I'm halthy or normal. Also, I wasn't susceptible to an kind of paranormal ANYTHING. Nada. Not a sniff, that is, until the top blew off my weirdness pop bottle 5 weeks ago. It's been soaking my life in weird like a fire hose since.

I'm going to unload a little bit here. It's not out of self-indulgence, but it's not like there are a lot of media where I can ask questions about this sort of thing. In terms of a "diagnosis", as it were, I can't think of a better place for a fella that has more questions than answers.

I've got some unique challenges as I try and separate truth from possibility, possibility from unlikelihood. First off, my awakening hasn't been a gradual process like it seems for most people. I've been a skeptic (cui bono?) all my life, but unless the topic has been particularly interesting to me, it's been take-it-or-leave it with info. I've never had to dig until this year. And man, have I dug.

Last May I learned about politics. That took some time, but I caught up quick. We were having a provincial election, and once you start following threads to political money, international unions, wars, and history, you've got a whole ball of yarn. At that time I was still on facebook, and found that I was gaining a bit of a following. I was that guy in your contact list that slips a 3 page rant on Child Protective Services in between your cat photos. Israel. Syria. The dangers of the internet bi-nopoly. Political correctness. Dichotomies: environment vs economics. French vs English Canada, urban vs rural Canada, liberal vs conservative, etc. By the time you find somebody you see eye-to-eye with, you've had to cut your public opinion pie in half, over and over, until your peer group is a half a dozen guys who are just there for the donuts.

Don't even get me started on the UN, Common Core, or why they didn't dissolve NATO when they should have. Every time I hear someone say "sustainability" I want to bang my head on a desk.

Aside from particular corruptions, collusions, complacencies and conspiracies (which is a bottomless pit of fact, opinion, bickering, and disinformation) I was starting to get very concerned about some social issues I was seeing: militant radicalism of youth, politicization of science, exponential growth of government, things like that. Most of all, I started to see how EVERYBODY with any power was broadening their scope. Human Rights Commissions. Corporations writing their own laws. Mandatory vaccines. Taxes and registration. Kids with assault rifles, unionized media without journalists, social media without ethics, police with tanks, military with drones and surveillance of everything. It was just getting to be overwhelming when something or someone decided to shake up my snow-globe.

Before I mention the details of that, some relevant personality traits of mine: I'm a loner. 39, no kids, commercial and petroleum electrician. Bright kid, antisocial, more lego than anybody could afford now. One sister, 14 months younger, and I on't think that she and I have talked for more than an hour our whole lives. I should have more memories of my childhood than I do.

Tried university, did well for a while but liked other things (beer, girls, camping, reading) more and dropped out. Bummed around wine country picking fruit and hustling at pool, chess, and cards to get by. Didn't make or take a phone call for 2 years. Had a lot of intense, deeply treasured friendships/relationships that would last about a day or two. I would tell myself that I was "moving on" or whatever, but truth be told, I think I was just odd. I never said it, but I pitied people. I was empathetic, but impatient and condescending. I'm better at sarcasm than I am at listening, and by the time I developed my social skills I'd set my life up so that I didn't need them anywhere except work. If anyone calls me out on my social skills now, they know I'll kick their ass.

I'm a binger: Smoking, gambling, and drinking beer for most of my adult life. BUT I'll also binge on research. Crossword puzzles. A hobby. A place to sit or eat. I once ate 2 whole honeydew melons. Bocci ball. Golf. Drugs. The gym. Whatever. But I'll binge on these things until I feel that they're "done" and then not touch them again. Inevitably, my binges fall right in the time when I should be doing something responsible. Terrible with money but never broke. Got a DUI a coulple of years ago. I live alone and don't leave home much.

I've mastered mentoring (apprentices, for example). I bond with people now, as long as I'm HELPING them in some way. I'm a good teacher, empowering, intuitive, patient. But there's always a power imbalance there. That's fine at work...leadership looks great on a resume...but it's taxing on relationships, even friendships. Who wants to be friends with a guy who doesn't ever advising, coaching, being the damn expert on everything but so (pitifully) unhappy? I don't blame them.

The bottle popped for me on Good Friday, this past March. It was a long weekend, and I was well prepared for my "lock up and binge on information" status-quo self-destructive routine. I had some speed so that I wouldn't be bothered with having to sleep while I learned everything there was to know about the Trudeau family or the NAU or whatever. I'm not so self-indulged as to think that my appetite for information, connections, and patterns stems from anything but fear. It's all fear. It scares the sht out of me, when there can be such a disconnect between people trying to live their lives and their "public servants" with all the keys, guns, spin doctors, good technology, and source codes. It scares the hell outta me. My method of mitigating that is to know everything I can about it. That way when I'm invariably and newly surprised by their audacity (the definition of insanity), maybe I won't wind up unemployed, in a war, in jail, in a customer service lineup, or (hell on earth) trying to navigate through a touch-tone phone menu. So after about 3 hours of intentionally ramping my metabolism, anxiety, isolation, and general sketchiness, I'm cardiac minefield. That's the moment when aliens or the CIA or a spirit or reptiles or SOMETHING decided to saunter into my life. Even if my mind and body WEREN'T already red-lined, nobody is actually ready to see pure evil for the first time. Nobody.

It was very, very subtle. Brief power surge; the podcast I was listening to on my phone cut out. Static snowscreen on my phone (when was the last time you saw static on something?). Surge protectors all popped on my cords and the power dropped out for about a half second. So I look down at my phone and this white lettered message pops up: "Everything you think you know is a lie" and it dies. At the same time, I hear something from my laptop. If you've ever been listening to a car radio when there was lightning nearby, you know the sound. Half buzz, half zap, all electricity. And there's a video in my cue that wasn't there before, 'Recommended for you: Everything You Think You Know, You Don't Know" or something equally obvious. By the time it finishes with "This video should go viral but it won't" my hands have reduced their shaking enough to click on another recommended video, on the NWO I think. I start making notes with my mechanical pencil (I have an unhealthy love for good mechanical pencils), and multitask with alternative text media. The speed and straw are right there, so I can immerse myself until I have to eat, stretch my legs, or pop out for a cigarette. It was about 80 hours before I looked up. I didn't even get around to aliens or my soul that weekend.

At that point I was (naturally) a mess. Strung out, 3 nights no sleep, and being hammered with every evil from djinn to Rothchilds to FEMA camps and "breaking reports" that the bombs are already falling. Chemtrails, rfids, privacy, paganism, all of it. When I stepped out for the smoke, I literally expected to be shot when I opened the door. Total paranoia. I was (hallucinating ?) voices for the first time ever, but they were just engrained YouTube videos looping. The helicopters were real but they circle all the time anyway. I was so convinced I was going to be assassinated for even being exposed to this (new to me) information as soon as the router trace was complete. Absolutely convinced I was going to die on my porch. Heart beating, ears ringing, and barefoot I walked out front to the main street to get it overwith. Nothing happened. It was my near death experience.

When I went back inside there were two CGI animation videos cued up for me. One was called "the present" (you should watch it) and the opening scene is of a boy wearing the SAME blue hoody as me, right down to the white strings. Same black and white skater "shoe" as was by my door, because he was missing a leg. As of time of writing, I still have both of mine.

So I do what any proud, knowledgeable man would do when confronted with this oddity. I imploded. I probably hadn't cried since I was a teenager, but as soon as he starts ignoring the puppy I can't see anymore. I have to blindly and awkwardly reach up to the coffee table to pause the video, because I'm curled up in a ball on my hard plastic floor. I'm convulsing, screaming, bawling. I'm sweating, filthy, writhing. It's like an exorcism, except really gross. I must have wept for an hour, because when I crawl to the bathroom I notice the tears and feces are dry, and the bloody nose I have from the corner of the couch is coagulated.

After I shower I watch the rest of the video. Tears are still (STILL!) streaming down my face but I'm smiling. And as the video plays and I watch my cartoon self, I'm scrolling through the comments and they read like they're my stream of consciousness being copied and pasted onto the screen. There are funny, touching, and sincere. They're also posted years ago, but by that point my sliding scale of "weird" doesn't even bother.

The next video is 2 houses walking around that make you cry. Watch "CGI walking houses" and you'll see what I am supposed to do when my father (the old house) dies peacefully after some unclear (but not very nice) event. You'll definitely cry, just like I did. I didn't realize it then, but that turned out to be important vis-a-vis timelines. Last week, we found out that he's got brain cancer, so infested that they're not even going to try to fight it. If he doesn't have another stroke he's probably looking at 4 months. Mark your calendars.

I slept like the dead. If I had a doctor, I'm sure that he would have pointed out how lucky I was to have survived that mental and emotional sausage mill. He would be a real pro, and not point out the Universe's sense of irony in picking Easter Weekend.

The next day, I feel weak but awake, and start thinking about the implications of this, and how to respond. I hear that Edmonton, on that very Good Friday, had 3 random shooting deaths, unrelated. I don't think about that any more than is necessary, because sectretly I'm guilty of being glad that crazy didn't single out just me that night. I'm noticing numbers and symbols, especially graffiti and house numbers. I'm calm. Curious without obsession. And as I move and let my attention be drawn if it wants, I'm trying to figure out "what now"? I could rule out computer hacking and government manipulations, but had just cancelled my Facebook (I didn't KNOW!). To be safe I decided to backup my laptop, and spent the rest of the week learning what the possibilities might be, whether I had enemies, and whether my pineal bone's connected to my chakra bone. I was getting used to strangers talking to me, everybody listening to me and craving apples. I went into lulu lemon and actually considered yoga before deciding it's not for me, bought two colored spiritty pebbles I liked the looks of and I roll them in my palm when I'm thinking or strolling. Cool.

Friday, I got a curveball. Somehow my phone was hacked (weird processes running), no big deal because I get sloppy with public wifi sometimes. Factory reset and forget. Until The next morning when I pick up my phone and it's HOT. Really hot. So I start looking through it, and it's unheard of technology. They're REMOTE ROOTING a Samsung S6, which isn't even supposed to be possible. It's running fake windows on the display like a curtain. It's used bluetooth to turn on my laptop from sleep, and use hidden files and apps to control my whole computer. Router and firewalls with TCP ports. They have been bouncing data packets around and racking up cell charges (which is so WEIRD because anybody capable of this could hide that easily.)

I spent the first part of the weekend trying to subtly spy on the spiers, which is when I realized that this was huge. Remote rooting that phone is impossible, according to google, my carrier, and my ISP. So that means government or big time hackers. It's also total identity theft, because of keystroke logs and cameras, and microphones. So I reformat my phone a second time, toss the router and magnet-wipe my laptop. And I'm thinking WHY? Why the cell charges? What would warrant that attention from Canadian Intelligence? None of it makes any sense, and I know there's no protecting anything anyway, so I let it sit for a day, leaving myself a text and phone message. I said that they'd earned a little bit of trust from me because although they're snoopy they never stole anything, but they were on a short leash, and my only other option would be to ditch it totally, after they went to all that trouble. The next day I've got secure browsers etc that I've never seen and they've deleted some but not all of the really intrusive stuff. It's almost like it's two entities. I can also enter questions into this samsung secure browser and receive synchronistic responses that only I would see the meaning in. Questions such as "what are the odds of randomly intersecting with police cruisers this often?"

Lastly, this guy I work with sometimes just turns out to be an expert on such fascinating popular history as Sumerian mythology, alchemy, MKUltra (especially on/by Canadians such as the Prime Ministerial Family). I do my best to demonstrate some adaptablity, but NOBODY is introducing themselves. I don't know who's on my team or what they need.

I'm pursuing this meditation in my way but I need to know what forces COULD be at play and how they get along with each other and WHY ME? I feel urgency but no direction. Too many theories but not being able to eliminate any. A suspiciously effective forest fire just moved a population of conservative rural oilworkers into government subsidized urban housing. The military has 80% of Canada's oil reserves under martial law, 4 hours drive away, and all I know for sure is that owls seem to indicate generally good stuff, Zen Gardner and Sofia Smallstorm interest me, and the fact that I'm an electrician is not a coincidence.

Occam's Razor is useless without simple explainations. I can do my best, hope for the best, and plan for the worst. If somebody could help me narrow the possibilities from "infinite" to "staggeringly improbable" I'd be grateful.
[deleted user]
Hiya I can't read all your post. Got add far as the owl could be because I'm on my phone. I don't know anything about technology but I do know I've lost the ability to use the Internet as usage seemed to get used up somehow and my laptop wireless has mysteriously broke and now my phone is playing up. I'd like to go into more detail but it's nearly impossible to do it on this phone.will comment further on your excellent post when I get the opportunity
Friday 6 May 2016, 12:55:49
Jeff H
It looks like you had an Awakening Experience throw Tech maybe because you were not getting the message throw a spiritual way (dreams, meditation, Intuition, or just not seeing the Signs laid out for you). I think that you are on the right path of being in service to others not in service to the self. look to love and light for the answers. do not give in to the fear. always try and see the good in things not the negative.
Friday 6 May 2016, 17:03:33
Friday 6 May 2016, 23:35:24
I haven't finished reading everything yet but i missed this.. i dont have the words
Sunday 22 May 2016, 04:38:19
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